This is a note that Iād sent to Arianna in September of 2019 just before we broke up. This elucidates several issues and insecurities that she later used against me because sheās a manipulative piece of shit.
Iām now apprehensive about bringing up things based on the way our conversation went after VidCon. Never the less, I have to look out for my own psychological wellbeing and itās not fair for me to avoid communicating.
Standard Disclaimer here
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Iām not leaving you. Iām not going anywhere. I feel itās important for you to know where my head is with regard to certain things and everything I say is in the spirit of love, sharing, and openness.
Me and my insecurities and uncertainty
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Before VidCon I felt like I knew where I stood and who I was to you. All of that was thrown out the window when things went down the way they did over the course of several days. It wasnāt one thing it was a bunch of things piled up one after the other.
Before VidCon, I knew absolutely that you were a lesbian who was not attracted to men, at all. After VidCon, I felt like youāre a lesbian whoās just not attracted to me
Before VidCon, I felt like I was the one guy who you trusted and that we could share any and everything. After VidCon, I felt like there were things kept from me and that I hadnāt been as trusted or as special as I once thought.
Before VidCon, Iād hoped (but never expected) that we would be able to explore sexuality and being sexual without having sex. I get that youāre a lesbian and I never expected you to be into me, physically. At the same time, women have vibrators and theyāre not into metal and plastic. I brought up the topic three specific times and you seemed uncomfortable with it so I dropped it. As much as I love giving pleasure, itās not a deal breaker for me. After VidCon, part of the betrayal I felt was due to my perception that you were willing to explore sexuality with a man and that man wasnāt me. Suddenly it wasnāt āoh sheās a lesbian and Iām the special guy whoās still not a girlā it was āoh.. I get it, Iām the punk/chump and sheās just into different types of menā
Before VidCon, I felt like we could be physically affectionate and that it was just a slow process because we donāt get to see each other that often. After VidCon, I realized that youāre just not comfortable being physically affectionate with me because Iām male.
Before VidCon, I thought you were proud to be in the relationship weād built together. After VidCon, I felt like you were ashamed to admit that you had a boyfriend.
Side note: This was compounded later by your comments about you not being in a āreal relationshipā since Victoria. I get it, Iām not a chick. I donāt like feeling that Iām just a place holder until you find what you really want.
Thereās more but Iām not trying to list every single thing. Also, itās important to understand that Iām talking about how things FEEL/FELT to me. I understand that reality is frequently different from ones perception and further that one can FEEL one way about something in the moment but understand that the momentary feeling is not the totality of the situation.
Also, Iām not asking for you to change anything. Iām JUST taking about how I feel.
Because of the recent upheaval, Iāve been trying to figure out where I sit. We had a huge emotionally draining conversation and then I stopped hearing from you and wasnāt able to talk to you and Iām left drifting. You mentioned needing to take a break (from social media) and I respect that. I stopped calling you. We message occasionally and Iām trying not to be needy but Iām feeling super insecure.
You talked to Jelly after all the BS she pulled and Iām thinking āwhy can she talk to Jelly during this ābreakā but not me?ā. Itās not like I actually care but my insecurities start taking over.
Same thing with Dillon being at your place. I look at the comments in your stream and think āyeah.. no one knows that Iām her BF and they think this guy (who looks more like Dino than he looks like me) is her boyfriendā. Worse, Iām thinking āsoooo she sends out multiple snaps with her and Dillon together but never sent one with the two of us.ā Again, I donāt REALLY care but my insecurity starts going all over the place with this like that. I feel like a dick for not just being happy that Damien has a friend heās comfortable with but in the back of my head I feel like the breakthrough we had before I left was usurped by this new thing with Dillon and that hurts. It shouldnāt and I should get over myself but the FEELINGS are that. Also, I didnāt know who Dillon was or even that heād be staying with you. As a partner I try to let you know about all of the major things going on in my life and I feel like I donāt get the same in return.
The reasons I canāt spend much time in your live stream(s)
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- Itās hard not being able to call you and talk about life-partner stuff and then try to compete for your attention with everyone else. Itās shitty when youāre sober and maddening when youāre drunk. Today, for example, I waited for you to end your live so that we could talk about the Chucky Doll and it never happened because you were drunk and didnāt know what you were saying or doing.
- Itās demeaning to be your boyfriend and listen to you go on about ā…Iām a lesbian…you donāt have anything that can satisfy me….ā or ā…no no because you have that silly ridiculous thing called a penis…ā. I get that itās your way of rebuffing unwanted advances from men. It would be nice if I didnāt have to be emasculated at the same time.
- Iām broken. I donāt know if you realize how many times you say āthatās ļ¼so hotā to guys when you battle them or when theyāre in your box. It used to never bother me. Now it triggers severe anxiety
- The person you are when youāre drunk. I just canāt watch that anymore. It used to be a rarity and now itās the norm. It would be one thing if you took responsibility for the things you do and say but several times youāve been like āI was drunk… I donāt knowā or ānoooo I didnāt say that… did I?ā
- I donāt know where I fit in anymore.
Wrapping up
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Much of the above is on me to figure out. I donāt want you to feel like Iām asking for anything from you other than understanding. I know that you love me. Knowing alone doesnāt keep me from feeling certain ways at certain times.
What is it that you want?
āāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā-
When I got into this relationship with you I knew that things would be challenging. Thereās the distance; The schedules we have to honor and work with (your sonās, my wifeās, etc); our politics; the emotional baggage that we each bring.
I didnāt start a fake relationship with you. I love you and Iām committed to you. What I want out of our relationship is love, physical (non-sexual) and emotional affection, duty (meaning my duty to you… a sense of knowing what I can do for you), honor (honoring each other as partners in life), respect ( I wouldnāt allow someone to disrespect you; I would hope youād not let someone disrespect me), and a long future that we plan and build together.
I donāt know what you want out of our relationship.
Side notes:
- on respect: I say āI would hope…ā because you seem to be completely dismissive of the issues of (dis)respect that occur between men. When I mentioned the thing about me supporting Dino (by gifting, and promoting his streams, and talking to him about working out together) you asked when I was doing all that as if the timeframe was relevant to the issue of disrespect. I knew of Dino in Feb and was trying to support him through May when he disappeared. Thatās only four months. It doesnāt matter when within the four months you two started having your sexual conversations. What matters, for me, is that I supported your āfriendā and that āfriendā disrespected our relationship. I donāt care whether he did it in March or May. His conduct was disrespectful to our relationship and I will forever have an issue with him as a result. I donāt expect you to really get it but the way you dismissed it was disconcerting. Iām telling you that there as an issue of respect thatās important to me and you poo-pooād it. If you donāt understand it, I would hope youād have enough respect for me and my calm and rational demeanor to understand that there is a real issue there even if you canāt SEE the issue yourself. Similarly, Jelly was disrespectful to me (as an individual) and to us as a couple and as friends who extended several courtesies to her. Iām baffled as to why you continued to speak to her given that she had disrespected you partner and made no attempts to make amends. If someone disrespects you once, they are out of my life period. If they want to apologize and you accept it, cool. If not, they can GTFO. Thatās the type of honor and respect I have for you.
- Youāve rewritten the history of us becoming an item. The last time it came up you said ā…when you asked, I was like well yeah weāre basically already like boyfriend and girlfriend…ā. For the record: You, in your live stream told me that I was now your boyfriend. I said ādonāt play, you know I already love you.ā You said āno Iām serious, tell Waterbear that youāre my boyfriendā. To which I replied āok, if youāre serious, send me your address and Iāll get you a now-weāre-dating giftā. Thatās when you sent me your motherās address in Encinitas and thatās when I ordered the flowers. I wanted to follow up with you when we met in person to talk about expectations and it was important for me to let you know that 1) I respected your boundaries and who you were as a person and 2) that Iām not interested in casual/disposable relationships. Iām in this for the long haul as a dedicated partner.